Should a man pole dance?

JBJ Asked: I am an artist/musician of international repute (I prefer to remain anonymous) and am grievously offended by the use of my compositions by male exotic dancers. I don't mind if the babes want to dance to my tunes - but dudes!? What's up with that?! Advisor Jamal  answers: I don't know why you think that only ladies should be baring all for the base gratification of leering … [Read more...]

How can I get red of bed bugs?

I'm a busy college student. My sheets go on my bed and they stay there - until the end of the quarter when I wash them and put them back on. My question is this: how often should I actually be washing them? ~ Macy from Scratchburg Advisor Phil answers: Hey, I hear ya, but I wouldn't worry about it. It's just you, after all...a couple of times a year should be fine. Bed bugs are kind of cool. … [Read more...]

How can I remove my private parts from a photocopier?

Jack Asked: I urgently need your advice on extricating my private parts from a Toshiba CX-190 model photocopier with a moving flat-bed (worst design ever). It seems that in my excitement to create some wonderful art work, I have gotten myself good and stuck. You're rapid response is appreciated. ~ Jack from Brentwood Advisor Pheobe answers: Well, you certainly deserve some … [Read more...]

What is the best remedy for a hangover?

Charlie Asked: What is the best cure for a hangover? ~ Charlie from Calgary Advisor Jamal answers: Without doubt, the best remedy for a hangover is a 500 grams of un-salted butter. If you are fond of bacon, you could have some of that. The concoction really opens up the sluices. If you are feeling a little lack-lustre after consuming the stuff, try a bowl of sugar-cubes with honey. … [Read more...]

Do I eat too much?

Bruised Banana Asked: If I eat the last piece of chicken after dinner has finished, but everyone is at the table, will people think I am fat? ~ Bruised Banana from an undisclosed location. Advisor Jen answers: The answer to whether you eat too much is entirely dependant on your physical appearance. If your body looks like you routinely eat everyone else's chicken too (i.e. your body … [Read more...]

Why am I looking at this website?

Kilgore Asked: Why am I looking at this website? I pondered that query for days on end and found it lay simply in the fact that I know a lawyer (OK I've heard of someone who knows a lawyer) and I think I can get money out you guys by suing you. Sort of like patent trolling but different. It will cost you so much in legal fees that you'll settle out of court and I can keep keep 2/3 of the cash … [Read more...]

What can I do about my body odor?

David Asked: I operate in state of high anxiety, which causes me to have constantly wet underarms and garish yellow stains on my clothes.  I am at the end of my rope - colleagues and friends are avoiding me, my cat moved out and even my cleaner does not want my business anymore.  What can I do??? David. PS, I believe my anxiety may be caused by a long repressed memory, only recently … [Read more...]

What is the best treatment for burns?

John Asked: What is the best treatment for burns? ~ John from New Jersey Advisor Jamal answers: John, I recommend avoiding all situations where you may be burned. But if you are burned in a financial transaction, I suggest retaining the services of legal council. Look for someone who will represent you for free if mediocrity is your thing. … [Read more...]

What is the best toothpaste?

Jerymy asked: I am a hippie with a fixation on oral hygene. Where can I buy fennel toothpaste? ~ Jerymy Advisor Jamal answers: I should think that your local health-food store or chemist would stock this product, Jerymy. Oral hygene is a critical component of life to the average hippie. Avoid any toothpaste containing mercury or asbestos. A toothpaste with added sugar and artificial … [Read more...]

Why am I drawn to certain Victorian painters?

Felix asked: I am partial to the Victorian painters. The thing is, I become wistful when gazing at certain works of the Pre-Raphaelite botherhood. Is this normal? ~ Felix Advisor Gertrude answers: No, it most certainly is not normal. You’re a very naughty young man, Felix. I have been told that some of these pictures depict scantily clad ladies. I suggest that if you are troubled by … [Read more...]

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