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About Lance

Lance is a free-lance interior designer in Toronto. He often jokes about being an aesthetic policeman, because he heartlessly ridicules all examples of created ugliness. He has a penchant for lambasting fast-food restaurants in particular. Lance was once escorted from McDonald’s corporate headquarters after their executives refused to consider his proposal to install gilded furnishings and silk damask draperies into every European franchise.
Lance is media-savvy, and aspires to produce a television documentary about NASA’s failure to apply aesthetic design parameters into the International Space Station’s interiors.

Are brown shoes acceptable with blue pants?

Miss Matched Asked: My roommate and I have a disagreement which I was hoping the board of mediocre advise givers could settle. If you are wearing a navy blue pair of pants, does fashion sense dictate that you wear brown shoes or black shoes? Thanks for the help! ~ Miss Matched from Hoboken Advisor Lance answers: I can't tell you how many times I have been asked this question. Brown … [Read more...]

Can you recommend a mediocre bedtime story?

Caitlin asked: My children really enjoy bedtime stories, but I’ve read them every darned book in the house. I don’t know what to do now. Have you any suggestions? ~ Caitlin from Somerset Advisor Lance answers: What a great question, Caitlin. Clearly your imagination is mediocre. Try reading this to them: It was a dark and stormy night. The wind howled through the trees. A creak was heard … [Read more...]

What is cell phone etiquette?

  Manjeet asked: I travel a fair bit and am being driven insane by people shouting into their cell phones in airports. Have you any suggestions on how to handle this gross violation of cell phone etiquette?? Advisor Lance answers: When it comes to proper cell phone etiquette, Nothing works better than a good public shaming. Get the attention of the offender and place your index … [Read more...]

How can I tell if my boyfriend is lying?

Steph Asked: I bought some nice new pants last week. My boyfriend says they don’t make me look fat, but I think he’s lying to me. How can I tell if he’s telling the truth? ~ Steph   Advisor Lance answers: This is a tough one. The lying boyfriend is probably the worst kind to have, with the possible exception of the stupid boyfriend. Steph, you should station at least five mirrors … [Read more...]

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