About Jamal

Jamal is perhaps the most scholarly of our Mediocre Advisors. Currently reading philosophy at Christchurch, Oxford, he aspires to found a new religion based on attaining spiritual perfection through serene submission to mediocrity.

He is a consultant to a UK-based janitorial procedure-manual publisher and dabbles in fly-fishing in Victorian country house garden ponds. In an interview published by the London Times last summer, Jamal stated that finding the pathway to mediocrity didn’t really matter.

How can I get my child to sit still for a photograph?

Nico Asked: I can't seem to get my 2 year-old to sit still for a photograph. Please advise. ~ Nico from Andaman Islands Advisor Jamal answers:  This is an unusual question. I did some research and came up with this. Good luck, Nico: http://ridiculouslyinteresting.com/2012/01/05/hidden-mothers-in-victorian-portraits/     … [Read more...]

Should a man pole dance?

JBJ Asked: I am an artist/musician of international repute (I prefer to remain anonymous) and am grievously offended by the use of my compositions by male exotic dancers. I don't mind if the babes want to dance to my tunes - but dudes!? What's up with that?! Advisor Jamal  answers: I don't know why you think that only ladies should be baring all for the base gratification of leering … [Read more...]

Should I Marry?

Pastor Manywives Asked: I am a single woman with dual Canadian-American citizenship. One of my best girlfriends, a Canadian, has asked me to marry her in a state where same gender marriage is legal so that she can get an American greencard. The problem is, I was already thinking about marrying my American girlfriend so that she can to move to Canada. To complicate matters, I am a clergywoman … [Read more...]

What is the best remedy for a hangover?

Charlie Asked: What is the best cure for a hangover? ~ Charlie from Calgary Advisor Jamal answers: Without doubt, the best remedy for a hangover is a 500 grams of un-salted butter. If you are fond of bacon, you could have some of that. The concoction really opens up the sluices. If you are feeling a little lack-lustre after consuming the stuff, try a bowl of sugar-cubes with honey. … [Read more...]

What about my absent girlfriend?

William asked: My girlfriend goes away to her remote cottage every summer. She says she loves me, but can't avoid leaving me for months at a time. What am I to do? ~ William from Wales Advisor Jamal answers: She adores you. Be happy that she is enjoying herself. … [Read more...]

How do I be assertive and tell a friend that I don’t want to buy her stupid products?

Shopped-Out Asked: So Jamal, I'm asking you (since those other guys frankly look quite frightening, and I suspect I can already guess what the ladies would say!)...here goes: They say I'm a fun gal, I have a great circle of friends, and we all get along great and pride ourselves on supporting each other. No disagreements ; no jealousies; no spouse trades, no nothing...but here's my … [Read more...]

How do I get rich?

Baroness von Kiowa Asked: I would like to know what I can do to get rich? I am tired of working so hard and would like to retire so I can live a life of mediocrity. There is nothing mediocre about hard work, and I'm tired of being an achiever. Thanks for your advice. ~ Baroness von Kiowa Advisor Jamal answers: The key here is to reassess your view of what constitutes wealth. If you … [Read more...]

What is the best treatment for burns?

John Asked: What is the best treatment for burns? ~ John from New Jersey Advisor Jamal answers: John, I recommend avoiding all situations where you may be burned. But if you are burned in a financial transaction, I suggest retaining the services of legal council. Look for someone who will represent you for free if mediocrity is your thing. … [Read more...]

What is the best toothpaste?

Jerymy asked: I am a hippie with a fixation on oral hygene. Where can I buy fennel toothpaste? ~ Jerymy Advisor Jamal answers: I should think that your local health-food store or chemist would stock this product, Jerymy. Oral hygene is a critical component of life to the average hippie. Avoid any toothpaste containing mercury or asbestos. A toothpaste with added sugar and artificial … [Read more...]

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