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About Gertrude

Gertrude lives and breathes mediocrity. Her late husband, a war veteran, was a Detroit auto-worker for over 40 years. Shortly before his retirement, Gertrude and her husband won a $315 million lottery jackpot, only to loose it after depositing the payout in a Nigerian bank.

Now living on social security augmented by food stamps, Gertrude earns extra money selling her baked goods at church bazaars. Recently, Gertrude made $500.00 by selling her famed cookie recipe to a major international food conglomerate. Gertrude has submitted countless articles to The Economist and Foreign Policy magazines, but has never been published.

What does catfood taste like?

Harry Asked: I was buying catfood yesterday and encountered a package label that claimed "New Improved Flavor".  How does one verify that the claim is true? ~ Harry from Camrose. Advisor Gertrude answers: Ever since my husband passed away and I lost my money, I have been eating catfood. It tastes a lot like canned corned beef, actually. If you will tell me the brand you are asking … [Read more...]

Should I leave a tip for a chambermaid?

Lori  Asked: Should I leave a tip for the hotel room cleaner/chambermaid? My husband likes to leave $20 under his boxer shorts on the floor, say's it will "make her day!" I prefer to leave $2 taped under the toilet seat and if she finds that then she really earned it. What do you say? Advisor Gertrude answers: I do hope that your husband isn't wearing his shorts while on the floor offering … [Read more...]

What is the best fish to eat?

Gil asked: What is the tastiest fish to eat? ~ Gil Advisor Gertrude answers: Thank you for your question, dear. I’ve been eating fish for a long time now. Without doubt, the tastiest fish is black cod, also known as sablefish. I prefer the black cod caught off the west coast of Vancouver Island, British Columbia. They’re caught in traps at very low depths, where the Pacific Ocean is … [Read more...]

Why am I drawn to certain Victorian painters?

Felix asked: I am partial to the Victorian painters. The thing is, I become wistful when gazing at certain works of the Pre-Raphaelite botherhood. Is this normal? ~ Felix Advisor Gertrude answers: No, it most certainly is not normal. You’re a very naughty young man, Felix. I have been told that some of these pictures depict scantily clad ladies. I suggest that if you are troubled by … [Read more...]

I am guilty of rodent neglect – what can I do?

Rick asked: I still feel guilty about neglecting a pet rodent I had when I was in grade 3 or 4. It was a cute little furry hamster. Is there some way that I can get over this? ~ Rick Advisor Gertrude answers: I am sorry to hear about your hamster. You know, a surprising number of people focus on rodents while overlooking the opportunity for joy in the remarkable world of industrial … [Read more...]

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