Can you recommend a mediocre bedtime story?

Caitlin asked:

My children really enjoy bedtime stories, but I’ve read them every darned book in the house. I don’t know what to do now. Have you any suggestions? ~ Caitlin from Somerset

Advisor Lance answers: What a great question, Caitlin. Clearly your imagination is mediocre. Try reading this to them:

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind howled through the trees. A creak was heard in the dark, and there, huddled in the black arch of the old manse, was the most hideously jellied creature I had ever seen. It was shaped like an armpit. It’s large eye rolled down its scaly chest. Seeing it was about to vomit on me, I leaped into the shadows and pulled out my lunch. But the creature took no notice, and let a Great Barrier Reef with pink ribbons. So, I rushed headlong at it, twirling my fingers above my herring gull at the back of the stadium without any fish. It was several days later that I returned to the scene of this terrible encounter and discovered to my infinite horror, lobster mayonnaise under a bush. I was so surprised to see the Prime Minister smashed with a bit of burnt cork that I let out a great “ahhhhhhhh…”. Immediately, he told me not to be so old-fashioned, and produced some nasty lumps (which I had never seen before, except in marsupials).


  1. Have you tried reading: ‘Go the F**k to sleep’?

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