Why am I looking at this website?

Kilgore Asked:

Why am I looking at this website? I pondered that query for days on end and found it lay simply in the fact that I know a lawyer (OK I’ve heard of someone who knows a lawyer) and I think I can get money out you guys by suing you. Sort of like patent trolling but different. It will cost you so much in legal fees that you’ll settle out of court and I can keep keep 2/3 of the cash for myself and the rapscallion lawyer can get 1/3 just for writing snot-o-grams. What a sweet job that guy has! Kind of like an advisor for the IOC (or a clerk for Bill Clinton if you happen to be female). Well I’ve done the best I can so it’s up to you to answer my question to completion. Feel free to recommend a better lawyer than the one I heard somebody knew. I phoned that guy that’s suing Samsung for Apple but he’s not returning my calls. What a jerk. I’ve left hundreds of messages and now I’ve run out of minutes. I might go after him you guys (well not Jen, she’s deluxe and obviously has the hots for me). ~ Kilgore from London

Advisor Phil answers: You have obviously been a little heavy on the lager after court, Draco. Before I continue, you’re right about one thing – Jen does have the hots for you. But you’ll have to get in line. She’s hot for all the down-trodden and unwashed.

Listen, if you agree to share some of the proceeds of your settlement, I’ll let you in on some stuff here at mediocreadvice.com that will make your suit a slam-dunk. None of us have been paid in two months. There’s talk of unions (not with Jen) and work stoppages. But the real truth will cost you big time. So, I know someone who knows someone who has heard of someone that knows a lawyer. Could we be talking about the same person?


  1. avatar Kilgore Trout says:

    Don’t worry about the lawyer. Your boss offered to settle out of court for a substantial sum. It isn’t actually a dollar figure but rather a multiple of his salary. I’m OK with this nebulous offer only because he also offered Jen to me in marriage. Naturally I accepted and look forward to a pleasant evening of nuptial bliss. I’m told Jen will be resplendent in her wedding gown and hear she will also be corseted down to a waspish waist and will be wearing a rather fetching veil. Normally I’m cautious about women wearing veils because sometimes the ugly sister is slipped in unawares. Say, this isn’t some cunning plan to foist Phoebe or Gertrude on me is it? Or even worse, now that gay marriage is legal . . .OMG!!! It’s you isn’t it ??? I can’t believe I almost fell for his ruse. I’m on to you Phil. There’s no way I’m marrying you. You’ll have to get a mail-order groom from Indonesia like everyone else.

    • Easy there, partner. If you don’t like Lara or Gertrude, consider me. But consideration is all you will get, because I am definately not interested. Apparently, you’re only interested in “a pleasant evening of nuptial bliss”. Is that it – one night?!

  2. Kilgore, I too question the idea of a one night stand after your considerable litigious efforts. Especially in reference to the beautiful and talented Jen – a Venus on a half shell, if I ever met one.

    As for why you are reading this website, I can only surmise it is to gather fodder for a new book or short story destined to be used as filler in some seedy gentleman’s mag. As a once great but under appreciated science fiction writer, you of all people can appreciate that the only real advice in life is:

    “So it goes.”

    A fan, Kinny

    • avatar Kilgore Trout says:

      Kinny. I thought you were dead. Run over by a truck and eaten by rats. Good to hear from you.
      Yes Jen is deluxe and worthy of more than a night on the town. I was going to have a cat tail grafted on her and yell “Cheese” to the universe, too. But my plans have come to naught. YOur friends might blame Kyle but I still think Phil is behind this. He’s probably eating turnips with Lance the Romance (or even worse, having an etude with Gertrude).

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