How can I remove my private parts from a photocopier?

Jack Asked:

I urgently need your advice on extricating my private parts from a Toshiba CX-190 model photocopier with a moving flat-bed (worst design ever). It seems that in my excitement to create some wonderful art work, I have gotten myself good and stuck.

You’re rapid response is appreciated.

~ Jack from Brentwood


Advisor Pheobe answers: Well, you certainly deserve some punishment for attempting something so ludicrous. I have conferred with my colleagues, and while some of them admire your creativity, the prevailing view is that you are a spectacular fool. You will have to phone a copier technician or the fire department. Ha! Good luck with that one, buddy!!!

Comments

  1. I regret to say that I have a lot of experience with the Toshiba CX-190. The key here is to keep the set-screws on the scanning platform slightly loose so that it can be lifted 1 or 2 millimeters while returning the platform back to the start position. Typically, the scrotem is caught between the front roller wheel and the track. The initial travel of the roller over the scrotem is excrutiating regardless of the set-screw position. But if you have loosened them off in advance of the scan, you should be able to slide the tray back over the scrotem without any loss of skin. Sadly, any respect from people who know about your habits will be irrevocably lost – especially if you seek medical help. You might think that hospital staff aren’t laughing, but think again.

  2. Jack, I think you have the makings of a fabulous wallpaper. Can you send me a sample? I work with a manufacturer in Portsmouth, RI that specializes in bespoke papers.

  3. avatar Randy Jimson says:

    Crikey! This has happend to me and it is painful.

    Jack, here’s what you need to do:

    1. Roll the flatbed a couple millimeters.
    2. Simultaneously pull your privates out a small amount.
    3. Wait for pain to subside.
    4. Repeat until you have extracated yourself.
    5. Apply bag of frozen peas.

    Randy

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